****Warning….this post is going to be random, as usual, but hopefully will make some sense****
I am emotionally overwhelmed right now. As soon as I post this I’m going to drop to my knees because I know HE is the only one who can get me through it. I’ve never considered myself an emotional person. It takes a lot to make me cry. Although I have cried more in the last 2 years of fostering that I have in the rest of my life combined. I’ve learned more about myself in the last 2 years that the other 30 years of my life.
I am a control freak.
Now many of you may know me & may say “duh”. knew that already. but it’s only been in the last year that I’ve come to realize, admit & notice it. I was doing better with it, but the last few weeks it keeps flaring back up. Hmm….maybe the LORD it trying to drive it out of me? I sure hope so.
So here’s my current little rant…
We (foster parents) are required to be SUPER PARENTS. Taking hours & hours of training every year. Filling out tons of papers….writing down every time I give them any medication, taking 3 page forms to doctor appointments…going to dr & dentist appointments all the time. (seriously….have to take them to the dentist at 6 months….even with NO teeth….why? well, just go sit in a Kool Smiles office & you’ll see why when you see a baby in an infant carrier drinking a neon green liquid from their bottle…then you see a 3 yr old with 4 caps & 10 fillings…) We’re over-trained, but undertrusted. Treated like all the idiot parents out there who give there children neon green substances. Really?? We don’t even have any juice in our house. my kids drink water. & milk. they eat vegetables. we brush their teeth. they have regular schedules of naptimes, bedtime, playtime, meal time. that was a side rant…..back to my original rant….
So, we’re required to be these super parents, but we have absolutely NO SAY in the child’s future. We have to just sit back & trust some judge to decide the future of a child we’ve been taking care of/loved for month’s. The parents beg & beg for more & more chances….& keep getting them. but what about the child?? when does the child get a chance???
The other day I caught a TLC show called “I’m pregnant and…..” This particular episodes was “I’m pregnant & I’m in jail.” this woman’s story could have been so many of my foster baby’s parents story. Her mom is raising her oldest daughter, the next 2 live with their dad who won’t let her see them, & she is pregnant with her 4th. She’s in jail for..surprise surprise….Meth addiction, which led her to attempted robbery. She looked maybe 28. To go to her dr appointment it takes 2 guards & she is shackled. Although humiliting for her, I don’t feel bad for her. She admits that she tried meth ONE time & was addicted..& gave up everything in her life for the drug. but who pays the bills for all that? for the guards, the dr appointments, the hospital bill, the jail time….US. our tax $ go to that. So she’s in this jail in Nebraska that has a nursery in it. Actually it has a whole wing for moms. Yup, she got a private cell with a crib in it so she can keep her baby in jail with her. then they have nursery workers who watch the babies while the moms go to classes. the unit has clothes, washer & dryer, everything you need. She even said herself that people told her not to get too comfortable in jail, because she’d just end up back in there, but she decided to get comfortable.
I am so emotionally conflicted. A HUGE part of me wants to get a parenting class going at our church, to really help out these parents….to show them how different their life could be. TOO often they are trapped in a lifestyle that they cannot get out of. No support, no one in their lives to hold them accountable, but everyone in their lives dragging them down. & I hurt for them. I want to help!! but another HUGE part of me just wants to shut my eyes to that & help out the children. The parents got themselves in this mess, right? I mean, can’t they just pull their bootstraps up & change? (Can ya tell I was raised in the Keith family??)
My life is a constant battle in my head & heart.What I know is right vs what I feel. Stupid emotions. Why didn’t God make me a man. Why can’t my emotions line up with my head, with what I KNOW is best & right? it’s that battle that gets me overwhelmed.
#10 had court yesterday. & as usual, I haven’t heard much, except from our CASA worker that it was a bit confusing & there are some new twists. OF course there are! why on earth would a simple, clear decision have been made? *sigh*
so here I go, to my knees. putting myself in HIS Arms again. I’ve seen Him do so much in the last 2 years. mainly in my heart. I’ve seen Him calm me down, comfort me, open my eyes. So here I go again….excited to see what HE will do in my heart.