Today I experienced something I haven’t in awhile. Crying. Unplanned, unable to stop tears. I HATE the feeling of crying. Red burning eyes. Lovely red blotches for hours. Everyone wondering what I’m crying about. Feeling weak & like if I really trusted God I wouldn’t be crying. & of course it happened at church instead of at home where I could be alone & really get it out.
Guess I got overwhelmed with the combo of finally getting near adopting #10 & heartbreak over everything with #14. The tears came on their own during the baby dedications at church. I am so very excited & thankful for the sweet families who stood in front of our church family & pledged to raise their children in a Godly home! But when our 8 yr old whispered “why aren’t we doing this with 10 & 14?” my eyes started dripping (that’s what my big kids say to avoid admitting they are crying). I decided I needed to leave the music part for a bit & play some nertz on my iPod to move past the tears. It helped some.
maybe what set it off is that I don’t know #14’s future…if it will be in a Godly home or not. Too often when kids go home the cycle just repeats itself over & over. I ran into a friend Saturday who used to work in a group foster home. She was telling me about one of our friends a few years ago who got 2 little foster girls & how my friend had their mom in foster care. The Cycle has to end. the parents need to do what’s best for their babies & let go. but too often they don’t. so the cycle continues on & gets larger & larger. heard from another friend that in a smaller county near us there are 700 kids in foster care. just in that one county. ugh.
I’ve learned some more about this case & cannot believe there are any visits, nor any plans to return the baby home or to any relative. in my opinion the goal should be unrelated adoption. but I guess it’s not. I don’t really know though, because I’m not being told much. We have some friends who are adopting a little guy that they’ve had since the hospital. His case is VERY much like #14; even the same county. but his biological parents never got visits nor much of a chance to get him back. & our baby’s family is getting visits twice a week. Makes my stomach literally feel sick.
No matter how much I say I’m trusting God with this little one….I guess I’m not. Or at least not constantly. Today I’m ok. yesterday I kept having little panicky thoughts & God kept having to tell me to trust Him. then I’d be ok for 5 minutes or so, then repeat. I guess that’s what it means for me to give something to God. a continually giving it over. Honestly I do not trust CPS, lawyers, or judge right now. But I do trust that God is so much bigger than any of them & any plans man might have. So I’m clinging to that like a window cling-on. although I’m a little more like the octopus toy we used to get in fruit loop boxes as a kid. remember those? you stick them on a window & they slowly creep down. then start at the top again. over & over.
I’ve decided to push the case worker a little more than I usually do. Usually I talk a big game that I”m gonna stand up & say what I think, or not show up at visits, etc. but I never do it. I pray for things to work out on their own & suck it up. I do not want to be a pain in case worker’s side. they have enough yuck to deal with. I want to be an easy case for them.
Today I did text the worker & asked to meet & discuss things. I think it’ll go much better in person than on the phone. This way she can see our home (it’ll be her monthly required home visit), get to know our heart with fostering & in particular with #14, then I can drop my list of questions, thoughts, etc on her. So if you think of us Thursday around 3:30, please pray for favor with her, for her to maybe share more than she should, for her to truly understand our heart, be willing to help with the changes I’d like to see, & although it sounds silly…for me to cry!! wouldn’t that be a nice touch?!
In the mean time….I’m praying for God to step in & do something BIG!! To take care of the things I’m worried of on His own, so I don’t have to raise a stink.
(like my attempt at pictures since I can’t put any real ones on here! lol!)