So the tears barely held back until all CW were gone. Poor hubby called about 5 minutes later & got a very tearful earful! I knew I was being over emotional about it all, so was really trying to calm down & process it. That was Thursday. It’s now Sunday & I think I’m all cooled off about it & have processed most of it.I know it seems like such a silly little thing that I should just let it go. But I felt…
- Hurt! I even said to my CH-CW “I thought they liked me!”
- Anger! How dare they! After all bio-mom has done how dare they go through all this mess about such a little thing! & they didn’t even have their facts right!
- Humiliated 1. CPS CW was just at my house & didn’t talk to me about it, but everyone else chatted about my eye rolling behind my back & tattled on me like a small child.
- Humiliated 2. My eye rolling put a bad name on Christian Homes, Christians, Foster parents, & myself.
- Defensive & Prideful. They didn’t even have all their facts right. I’m doing a good job caring for & loving #14… what does eye rolling have to do with the care level I’m giving?
- I’m done! I’m done fostering. so sick of being scrutinized all the time. fire inspections, health inspections, 20 hours of classes every year, etc…etc.. (NO, I’m not done. just felt like it for a minute)
- Confused. Now how do I act around these ladies that I have thought so highly of. Who have been so very helpful transporting #14 to & from visits ever week. With the CPS CW who is a sweet Christian girl who knows a lot of people I know.
- Miss & even UN-represented. When I told CH-CW some of those facts she said “Oh, well if I’d known that I would’ve told CPS Supervisor that!” Didn’t seem like anyone stood up for me at all. Baby, Mom, & CW have people looking out for them. What about me? Nope. I’m just the lowly foster parent. who’s supposed to be MEGA-Babysitter, but not emotionally involved. (I must say CH-CW did ask how I was after the reprimanding, & told me to let it go.)
So where did I go after all that self centered-ness I was whining about?Well,
I’m reminded again that God called us to foster. 95% of the time I LOVE it! Being a foster-to-adopt parent is hard. Every child that comes in our home I at least go through the thought of maybe we’ll get to adopt this one. I imagine that our type of homes are more difficult for case workers than just foster homes as we (or at least I), get much more emotionally attached & involved, wanting to know everything that’s going on. Yet again back to the trusting thing God is apparently working on me this go-round. Trusting that the CW really are looking out for the child’s best interest. & that even more than any human, God loves this child the most & cares for their future.
I still wonder where that line is between being real with Case workers & just giving necessary facts, giving a kind smiling, & leaving when dealing with CW & aides. It’s business, but it’s so personal at the same time. Right now my motto will be simplicity & kindness. Just give basic facts. Simple hellos & thank you’s.
So this little thing of eye rolling has brought me back to the reason we foster. It’s not for us. Even though I often feel like we’re partially doing it just to fill my love for babies, that’s not the real reason. God’s called us to adopt, & to foster. To be a blessing to the children, to their families, to the caseworkers, aides, people we run into at the store that find out we’re fostering, etc.
Since Thursday Philippians 2 has become alive to me:
vs 3 “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” I have elevated myself too high. thinking that I’m a better mom to this little one & know what’s better for him/her than bio mom or case workers do.
vs 7 “He took the humble position of a slave” If Christ can be a human, & take all the wrong He was given, I can surely let go of not being represented properly. My job is to take care of the little ones, not try to control every aspect of the case. (no matter how much I want to!) Serve Mary Lynne, Serve. Serve the child. the mom. the case workers. the aides…..
vs 14-15 “Do everything without complaining and arguing so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God,shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked & perverse people.” I mean, can there be a more direct verse about this whole ordeal than this one??!!!
The other thing that has helped me tons these few days is the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. Her writing is beautiful, captivating, & thought provoking. But her main point in the book is constantly bringing you back to finding true joy in being abundantly grateful in EVERYTHING. That = abundant joy no matter what situations arise.
Since we intend to adopt 1 more, then continue fostering until the Lord closes that door…I bet I’m gonna get some more hand slaps. although I’ll do my best to follow all the rules (& let me tell you, there are a lot!), & be the easiest foster parent they have, I’m sure someone will find my faults & bring them to light. Sadly there are lots as I’m far from perfect! I will learn to assess the situation, apologize when I was in the wrong, & let the rest go.
Being a CPS case worker is a HARD HARD job. I can’t imagine the tug on emotions of knowing what was done that’s so bad that these children are not safe with their families, then watching the families hurt & knowing that often it’s not entirely their fault because they really don’t know any better way to live. They also have judges down their throats all the time making sure everything is done right. Apparently there is a judge in a county around here that won’t hesitate to threaten throwing a CPS worker in jail for not doing something they were asked to do. & that goes down through the ranks & is probably part of the reason I got my hand slapped. a formality. so say they had done it.
I’ll close this crazy long post with a quote from “1000 gifts”. pg 186.
“No matter what unfolds, He is always good & we are always loved. Let go.”